What forty years, heartbreak, healing, and God’s grace taught me about starting over.

If I could go back and start over, I wouldn’t necessarily choose a different life. I actually quite enjoy myself. The hard seasons kicked my ass and shaped me into the woman I am today. But there are things I would do differently.

Not because I live with regret.

Because I live with revelations learned and changed perspective along the way.

The older I get, the more I realize that the things I once thought mattered most were often the things that mattered least.

And the things I ignored ended up becoming the foundation of everything.

I Would Become a Student of My Health

If I had known how much of my life is affected by my faulty body, I would have started learning sooner.

I would have learned about nutrition, hormones, vitamins, minerals, sleep, stress, autoimmune conditions, and the more I learn the more I wish I would have became a Functional Medicine Doctor. Personally, I think they are more knowledgeable than your standard “by the book” docs that barely listen to you, oftentimes dismiss you, say every symptom stems from anxiety, and hands you a prescription. It’s just not that simple. Our bodies are so complex and God designed every cell to function properly at its fullest potential, so when dealing with multiple conditions it tends to wear you down eventually. I would have wanted to know more about every detail about my own body and it’s dysfunctions – and the protocols to diagnose and treat the haywire, and share that knowledge with others. And some of that I am doing now, I have learned so much about things like the MTHFR gene mutation variation (and maybe THAT’S why the dozen shots of lidocaine in my big toe to remove the nail didn’t work at ALL!), to mold exposure, to the effects of Gabapentin neurologically; also paying attention to new Narcolepsy drug trials, the source of multiple food, drug and environmental allergies, and why i the world Bipolar medications cause so much weight gain.

After years of dealing with health challenges, I’ve spent countless hours researching and trying to understand what makes the body thrive and what causes it to struggle.

I don’t know everything, but I know this: your health impacts every area of your life. Your energy. Your emotions. Your relationships. Your moods. Your weight. Your ability to pursue your purpose.

I would have taken that more seriously much earlier.

I Would Have Chosen Purpose Over Approval

I spent too much time trying to fit in.

Too much time worrying about whether people liked me. And it was usually the wrong crowd. I suppose there are bad apples everywhere, but peer pressure is a b*tch and I sure made some terrible choices dabbling in things I never had any business dabbling in.

Too much time accepting relationships that weren’t healthy because I wanted to belong somewhere. And I didn’t accept them from the start, I just overlooked the red flag until it became a honking and flashing siren in my ear and I had no choice but to go. I may never have been loved the right way; but I sure have been loved the wrong way and I know the difference now. I just hope I didn’t build my walls up so much that I think every man is set out to ruin me. And, I need God for that discernment because with my track record obviously I can’t pick them! Plus, when I was younger even just the thought of marriage made me want to run in the opposite direction. But I am ready now. I know what I want. I just don’t know with whom I want to be alongside doing life with just yet.

Today, I know my worth isn’t determined by who accepts me. It’s determined by who created me. And something clicked in these past two years and I finally understood what God’s been trying to show me my whole life. If I could go back, I would stop chasing validation and start building confidence like I do know- to be imperfectly perfect.

I Would Have Invested More in Faith

I would have gotten involved in church earlier. A loving community feeling. A support network to grow in the faith with, worship and praise with. Pray with.

I would have spent less time searching for answers everywhere else and more time searching for God. I even heard recently about how so many people question the Bible because it was written by man, and the argument was that the person asking trusts other people who were known historical figures, or other books written by man, so why not that one? It got me thinking, and liked that rebuttal.

And to that I add that I would have studied Scripture more deeply. I could have had the entire book memorized by now! Not because life would have been perfect. But because I would have had a stronger foundation when life became difficult. And I would have applied a lot of the wisdom to daily life, instead of chasing the trends, the current gossip, and being caught up in the world.

I Would Have Been More Intentional With Relationships

I would have dated differently. I would have waited for marriage to have sex. It would have saved a lot of heartbreak and unnecessary stress.

I would have stopped confusing attention with commitment.

I would have looked for character instead of chemistry. I would have used better discernment instead of looking past red flags in hopes they’d change. I always said that I used to see the silver lining to every gray cloud. That has got me more used and abused than not. So now I just give no one a chance. Eventually maybe this cold little black heart will open up again. Not yet.

I would have protected my heart more carefully and trusted God more completely. And it all boils down to understanding my value and if I applied it sooner I would have saved a lot of time. But, that’s ok. I do believe patterns in life repeat until we learn our lesson, and I finally learned some very hard lessons. Better late than never.

I Would Have Never Stopped Learning

I would have kept learning Spanish. I was in college at 16 and had a 4.0. Dang it! I could have been bilingual by now! It actually helped me learn my English better by learning proper Spanish.

I would have explored the interests that genuinely brought me joy.

I would have taken dance classes. I think my parents wanted to live vicariously through me. I did soccer camps, basketball camps, girl scouts, softball, cheerleading. I did like cheerleading. I took the swimming lessons, baton, gymnastics. None of it stuck. I don’t have an athletic bone in my body. Oh, and in gym. When we had to play dodgeball-I loathed it. But, I enjoyed flag football. Make that make sense, I don’t know either, haha! But I do love my music and I love to dance- I’m terrible at it, but I still love it. Dance like no one’s watching right? A few years ago, a girlfriend and I went out on a Saturday night, had a few drinks and tore up the dance floor. It was one of the best times I ever had! You can’t LIVE until you can dance in front of people and not feel like a fool! The alcohol maybe helped with that confidence, I’m sure! Do you ever see those girls shuffle dancing on social media? Oh, I want to do that so bad! And, of COURSE, like I said in one of my notes, I’d play an instrument. Probably piano, because it is just so beautiful sounding. But I would lean towards the drums and the violin for some reason or another. I remember band was kind of geeky in high school. I wish I was a geek now! I could have played the drums or some other cool instrument! Ah, well. But, good thing we all learned the recorder! I will at least always know how to play “Hot Cross Buns!”

Somewhere along the way, many of us stop being curious. Although it is not cheap to pay someone as an adult to teach you music lessons, or to take art classes.

Sometimes we become so focused on surviving that we forget to keep growing.

I Would Have Built a Simpler Life

Part of me dreams about raised garden beds, fresh food, and a slower pace of life. It is fun when I plant anything from a seed and it actually grows (usually a flower), but I’m like: “Hey I did that!”

Not because farming is easy. I’d actually have a very hard time looking a cow in it’s eyes and sending it to slaughter. But just the way of relying on the homestead just seems refreshing.

Because there is something beautiful about being connected to the things that truly sustain us. And not having to rely on another pandemic to make me question if I am going to be able to get food or fight over toilet paper the next time I go to the store. (Oh, speaking of that, get a bidet-TRUST ME-you’ll never go back. Never!)

The older I get, the less impressed I am by status and the more impressed I am by peace. Ah, remember that really old version of Swiss Family Robinson where they lived in the multi-level treehouse and had all these innovative ways to do anything like roping up a barrel of water and they made it work! Well that’s in my memory I think, so someone go fact check me on that and let me know, hah!

The Biggest Thing I Would Change

If I could summarize it all in one paragraph, it would be this:

I would have spent less time trying to become who everyone else wanted me to be and more time listening to myself and becoming who God created me to be. I would have trusted my gut instincts every time, the first time, because they never lie. And I would have believed in myself a lot sooner because I know The Creator has my back. And as the saying goes, “I’d rather stand with God against the world than stand with the world against God.”

Thankfully, there’s still plenty of road ahead of me and life doesn’t require us to go backward.

We can start today.

And sometimes forty is the perfect age to finally begin again.